https://offcourse.org
         ISSN 1556-4975
		
Published by Ricardo and Isabel Nirenberg since 1998
Jefferies’ two broken legs have long since healed.
          He’s back on his feet—pacing his upper-level
          apartment.  Did he do the right thing after
          the incident—quitting his job as a photojournalist?
          Pawning his camera with its telephoto lens?  
          He picks up an old copy of Long-Gone Lisa’s
  Harper’s Bazaar that he uses as a fly swatter—
          tries to recall Long-Gone Lisa in her $1,100 dress—
          but nothing.  He drags his feet to the wall hook
          near the door—removes the binoculars. . . .
          At his rear window, he opens the webby shade.
          The late spring sun makes a cameo appearance
          then slips away down a mysterious alley of clouds.
          In one of the apartments across the renovated courtyard,
          he sees a child leaning forward in a wheelchair.  Her face
          at her rear window.  She’s giggling, watching several children
          chasing spastic squirrels in the courtyard below.
          When Jefferies presses the binoculars to his eyes,
          he sighs with boredom so thick one would need
          a butcher’s saw to dismember it—he spies
          a middle-aged man.  Heavyset.  Balding.  Pudgy cheeks.
          Dark suit and tie.  The man looks familiar—something 
          about playing a piano or winding a clock perhaps.  But he 
          can’t quite place him.  The man is in the courtyard tossing
          peanuts he picks from his jacket pocket—egging on
          the squirrels that are egging on the children—
          and, at least for now, as Jefferies scans the courtyard,
          not a crazed gull or crow . . . or angry wife killer 
        salesman . . . or maniacal motel owner . . . in focus.
in memory of Jerome Lester Horwitz, 1903 – 1952
My wife insists 
          the place doesn’t exist.
          Oh, but it does, I tell her.  
          We’ve all been there, 
          often.  Let me explain.  
          It’s everywhere—yet
          nowhere.  We don’t go there:
          it comes to us.  For instance, we might bend
          to tie our shoes, and when we straighten
          up again, it’s there: see, our vision blurs—
          just for a moment—and the world 
          jitters to a stop and jolts in reverse.
          We might sense something like the blade
          of a hand saw being yanked across our scalp
          or something like our head being squeezed 
          in a letterpress.  Our teeth might clatter incessantly
          before we expel a “woo-woo—woo-woo-woo-woo-woo!”  
          Then we suddenly lose our balance. 
          Our eyes clamp shut as if poked 
          with a peace sign of fingers.  Incredible sunrises
          sparkle, sputter, and pop as our eyelids slip 
          from the heels of our hands and rattle open 
          like over-tightened window shades—
          And we’re there!  
          Just like that—we’re there!
My wife squints, sighs, and frowns.  Then she places 
          her palm—ever so gently—on my forehead.
Agents from the Bureau of Humorous Accessible Poetry (BOHAP)
did it again—they stymied another attack on playful verse.
According to BOHAP sources, this time a splinter group from
Critics Against Risible Poetry (CARP) enlisted an undercover
BOHAP agent disguised as an undergrad—a stereotyped Goody
Two-Shoes in penny loafers, pixie cut, flawless skin the texture of 
almond milk.  No tattoos.  No artificial nails.  No false eyelashes. 
Her braces could blind in a well-lit room.  Her ankle-length skirt and 
her knit turtleneck with cartoon images of panting poodles barked 
submissiveness.  A 4.0 literature scholar as supercilious as all twenty 
volumes of The Oxford English Dictionary. The critics, two men 
and two women, met her at a seamy motel. Outside, a vacancy sign
oozed neon the color of a skin rash. Inside, crusty drapes stained
with bodily fluids. Nightstands scarred from sadistic cigarettes.
Queen beds with screaming springs and roughed up headboards.
Scratched flat screen TV with a sequin handbag of sleazy channels.
Details are still sketchy, but we do know a vanilla-scented manila
envelope was passed.  Inside were copies of a ticking poem—a
ticking poem generated by sophisticated software.  A ticking poem
designed to hurl shell fragments of somber literary devices
and gloomy ambiguity upon detonation by discussion—maiming the
comical thinking skills of workshop participants. Ultimately 
rendering any funny poems funereal. The poem never made it to its 
workshop destination. The undercover agent immediately exited the 
premises and handed the envelope over to her team.  Two days later 
BOHAP agents confronted the suspects carrying black aluminum 
attaché cases, contents unknown, as they emerged from the motel. 
The suspects were squirming with bedbug bites and chanting, 
“Poetry is NOT amusing!”
Steven M. Smith is the author of the poetry collection Strongman Contest (Kelsay Books, 2021). His poems have appeared in Offcourse, as well as publications such as The American Journal of Poetry, Aji, The Worcester Review, Rattle, Ibbetson Street Press, Better Than Starbucks, The Big Windows Review, Book of Matches, Blue Lake Review, and Action, Spectacle. He recently retired from the State University of New York at Oswego, where he worked as the Writing Center director. He lives in Liverpool, New York.